Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
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BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together