Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
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Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
Breaking news:
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.