Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
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Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
I am crying
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…