Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎵 I can’t wait to

The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog

*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?

When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…

Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?

*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else

I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.

Tide Pods need a little seasoning?

Sprinkle some bath salts on top.

Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.

My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.

Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?

Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle

Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.

Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎

Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.

I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing