Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation

Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”

Skeleton: I’m you from the future

Me: how long?

Skeleton: 2 months

Me: are you here to warn me?

Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me

Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.

“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”

Okay I’ll bite. What’s this “football” everyone is talking about

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!

I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre

I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it

Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.

Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.

Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.

S:
D:

S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.

S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?

S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?

S: MOM! Come get your husband.

for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago

Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck

i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

“Cows kill more people than sharks.”

“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”

I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.

It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.

[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”

By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.

*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker

wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.