Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks

Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?

GF: really?

Me: yeah

George Foreman: that’s interesting

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.

If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?

When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.

my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????

[inventing napkin dispensers]

bob: it has 2 settings

exec: ok

bob: 1 at a time

exec: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

exec: first of all I love it

A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.

Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.

A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!

Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing

Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question

Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.

When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.

Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?

Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE

For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.

I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.

*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.