Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
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All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Christmas bonus so small you have to call your bank and ask “is it in yet?”
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch