Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
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You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”![]()
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
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you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:![]()
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket