Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
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Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?