Spring of Deception
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If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.