Spring of Deception
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“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.