Spring of Deception
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Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
I have two kinds of followers
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.