Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.

7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting

me: you mean ‘expelled’?

7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad

Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.

McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.

Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?

Me: Nice try, Santa.

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery

Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

[interviewing babysitter]

me: how much do you charge?

ipad:

43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree

If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit

My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.

where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.

Laundry:

Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days

The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies

Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.

I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.

This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad

genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.

He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.

Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”

£900 pound for an iPhone 6?

Airplane mode better take me on holiday

A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…

After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy