Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
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Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.