Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
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Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Artwork by Herta Burbe
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.