Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.

Alex: A ship that has sunk

What is my relationship?

Alex: No sorry tha-

[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…a raise?

HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?

Me: I’d like to report a hacking!

No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag

I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.

Me high af: are you in line?

Mannequin:

The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.

May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]

I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend

Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.

Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail

I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.

oh u like history? name everything that happened

“Mmmm Brians”

– a dyslexic or gay zombie

If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…

What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt

“Miss me yet?” – 2019

A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE

I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later

2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep