Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
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My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]