Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
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DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.