It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
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@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
I have no passwords left in me
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.