*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
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They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Lunatics are gonna loon.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.
my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..