*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
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cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
i prefer mine room temperature.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?