Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
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When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
accurate
my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.