Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
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Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
This is the coolest video you will see today.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
calling in to work dehydrated
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
