Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
You Might Also Like
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.
Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.