Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
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I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!