Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
You Might Also Like
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink