Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
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people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.
a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket
me: can you just let me go with a warning this time
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
expecting to live rent-free in my mind? good luck being homeless
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
so this horse walks into a bar
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT