ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
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Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything