Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?

ME: Crimes.

PB: Excuse me?

ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes

Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

[Opens a beer at the park]

“Dude. There’s kids here.”

Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER

I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.

Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger

8: YOU stop growing bigger

And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined

H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope

I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic

My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.

“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

Twitter fine art

Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.

HER: do you have a retirement plan?

ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB

Rose: I’ll never let go

Jack: are you sure aboat that lol

Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before

Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo

Rose: maybe you should let go

It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.