Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult
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Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
here we go again
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!