“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”
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The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
I feel this so hard
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.