“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”
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Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
are they though??
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect