“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”
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I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Glasses
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.