“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”
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Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Cake!!
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
some things should go without saying
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.