SQUARREL
You Might Also Like
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds
Me: I was refilling my vape
Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
I love the honesty
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*