Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.

Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

Do NOT do this 🙄🙄

son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]

Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.

Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?

Him: sex tonight?

Me: Work put me in a bad mood

Him: tomorrow?

Me: I have a headache tomorrow

Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters

“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”

kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend

me:

kidnapper:

me: which friend

I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?

I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.

ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?

GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.

I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets

THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol

MICHELANGELO: what

CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.

Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.

[later]

Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…

The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”

I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart

Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.

[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*