Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?

Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.

Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.

Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.

I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.

*Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.

ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?

Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: But i thought we were happy

Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me

Me: You leave eclair bear out of this

I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.

So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.

She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”

And I said, “That’s a mirror”.

Which was nice.

agent: *getting tortured* do your worst

villain: why would i do that

agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough

villain: i’m always doing my best

agent: i know. you’re doing great

villain: thanks

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?

My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…

If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.

*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we are

Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn

F: well?
Me: we’re in China

I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…

I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):

what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:

🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT

Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience

ME: Why are my eyes itchy?

WebMD: Eye bees

A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty

People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.

my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…

Childbirth is so beautiful