Squeak, squeak, squeak!
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[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs