Squeak, squeak, squeak!
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Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.