Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”

If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.

I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE

My son is worried about being on Santa’s nice list but rather than change his behavior he has decided to continue worrying, and that is actually quite relatable.

Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”

i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?

These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.

PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.

[commercial for gymnastics]

Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.

Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.

there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:

Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%

It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing

My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.

I love how people think those little cheese knives are for serving cheese, like awwww that’s cute no those are for *defending* your cheese, trust no one

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream

I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.

pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:

con: loneliness

pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you