Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*

I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…

Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.

The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.

[playing D&D&D]

Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?

I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail

No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.

Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor

Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman

[1st date]

Me: “So, what do you do?”

Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”

Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”

Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.

It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.

I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN

An Autobiography

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.

[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]

Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.

The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.

Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.

Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.

Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.

“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]

My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”

“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche