Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o

Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown

Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-

Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!

Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money

Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.

Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.

*Sweeping the floor

Lower back: “Time to go out!”

Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”

Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”

*cries hunchbackedly

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious

i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting

my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards

me: (in distant background) holy shit.

Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today

when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.

It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.

Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery

Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness

Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”

Yeah, don’t do that.

Criminal Tip:

Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.

As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.

Free gun.

You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.

Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.

I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced

Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*

[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”

*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*

*puts it on a squirrel*

[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”

With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.

reduce, reuse, recycle

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.

ME: welcome to my man cave.

PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.

I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.