Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are

Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face

picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?

idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.

Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own

my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me

I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.

Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together

If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.

How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?

Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..

There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.

I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond

‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’

and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.

Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”

Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”

*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty

*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner

*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years

I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”

I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.

my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs

if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis

My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company

Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds

Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.

Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.

Me: And…the other thing?

Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious

[jumps in Uber]

ME: HURRY I’M LATE

UBER: [starts driving]

ME: PULL OVER HERE

[jumps out, pets dog]

ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO