squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
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them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
These modern phones are great but I miss the days of old Nokias… you know if you were out and needed a hammer, a weapon or even an anchor for a boat.. voila
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.