squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
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Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon