Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
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ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
This probably isn’t good
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
the PhD student is someone who foregoes their current happiness in order to forego future happiness
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
British drink offers for guests:
“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”
I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
