Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
You Might Also Like
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
i spent way too long on this
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.