Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
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Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
no exceptions
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
I put the I in Insufferable.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.