Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
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My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.