Squirrel having fun.. 😅
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If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
My 7yo said that boys were bothering her at school so she yelled math problems at them until they went away.
I have mad respect for this strategy 🙌
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!
dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-
frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*
dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!