Squirrel having fun.. 😅
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I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
and this one
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
dog: [brings sticks inside]
me: no that belongs outside
me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]
dog: what the actual shit is this
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?