Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.

Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.

Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.

[at 25yr class reunion]

Me: You haven’t changed at all!

Her: Hahaha, thanks

Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane

When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife

Me: Have you considered budgeting?

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:

1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium

My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.

If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read

Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”

Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*

I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.

My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.

wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction

me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece

I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂

Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.

Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?

I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.

A fight or flight situation.

Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.

No, he would not have.

Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

[therapy]

DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said

It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.

Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…