Squirrel having fun.. 😅
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worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
