Squirrel having fun.. 😅
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The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes