You Might Also Like
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.