Squirrel having fun.. 😅
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Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.
Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.
People underestimate the Pacific.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]