Squirrel having fun.. 😅
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Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.