Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best table by far

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids

I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.

fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me

ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.

BANK MANAGER: Get out!

When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America

Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?

When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”

I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa

you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.

My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.

My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy

Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.

Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home

Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.

Local community Facebook pages are like:

“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”

Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?

[planning heist]

leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?

me: that’s when I take my break too tho

What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?

Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.

Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?

Me: why don’t I have a gf

Him: have you tried asking someone

Me: no

Him: like her. Ask her.

Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf

Wife: What do you think our song is?

Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.

Wife: Idiot…

me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.

therapist: no.

If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide