Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“

Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…

If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

Children of the corn 🌽

*waters flowers*
*flowers die*

*sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*

Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.

[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews

My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.

Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women

An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls

People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.

Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.

If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.

I 100% subscribe to this philosophy

Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?

Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol

Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!

*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*

*orders some*

When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE

You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.

Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me:

Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”

Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”

My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar

My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again