squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
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Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
satan: not today, microsoft teams
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence