squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
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Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
And that about sums it up.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
checking out some reviews of my local library
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy