squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
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I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?
No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
girls literally only want one thing..
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.