squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
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person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler