squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
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There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Any refunds available?…
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Running from your problems is cardio .
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
multitasking lunch
