squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
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Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
how long have you had this for?
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”