Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.

God: you’re a pack animal.

Wolf: what does that mean?

God: it means you live with other wolves.

Wolf: like all the time?

God: yep!

Wolf: d-do I have to?

God:

Wolf:

God:

Wolf: [slides $20 across table].

God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.

Wolf: yay : )

Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”

Me: “No thank you.”

Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”

Me: “I’m in.”

My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles

Which is why the lights stay off!

*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*

Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all

But weight, there’s more!

– Thanksgiving

I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this

Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”

My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime

*herpes

Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

store clerk: can I help you find anything

me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*

What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]

Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert

If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five

Therapist accidentally sent me her cat

Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.

boss: you’re fired

me: [pausing tiktok] why

The perfect label doesn’t exi-

[Exit interview]

HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?

GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY: