Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.

“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”

My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling

This one never gets the credit it deserves

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.

please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!

While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager

I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.

“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil

drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.

Me: HALLOWEEN!!!

Ween: Hallo!

[amazon dropping off my order]

Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!

Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!

Me:

Cat: Tomato Tomahto

Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?

Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?

Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.

There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.

Me – how about a Border Collie

Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding

Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?

Hear me out….

A pub crawl, but to bakeries.

me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

“I want you inside me.”

-says the quotation marks to the period-

Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;

At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.

Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.

Coworker: You said all that out loud.

The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.

My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada

I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.

HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?

ME: I don’t think that will fit me.