Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
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If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
They’re called werewolves.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Can confirm.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items