Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
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It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
🤔😂😂
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”