Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
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The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
When you’re Kinky but poor
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles