Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
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4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing