Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers

even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey

[at dinner]

Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom

Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.

Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.

Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who’s also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that

I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.

My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.

You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.

God: take the worst of his personality.

Angel: okay.

God: then take the worst of her personality.

Angel: got it.

God: now mix them all together.

Angel: what do you want to call this mess?

God: call it a kid.

I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again

Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.

Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.

There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.

Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.

meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned

me: way ahead of you

Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.

But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.

[Sigh]

Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?

Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?

I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs

If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.

*discovering a dead body*

Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?

Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.

Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right

Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?

5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?

Me: 22.

Wife: How many with witnesses?

Me: Almost 1.

[searching for a new church]

Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?

Church: *click*

Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.

What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”

What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”

If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.

Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber

airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover