Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
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Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
saving face 👀
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.