@MavenofHonor

Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree

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@mitchysuch

I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet

@stuckinaportal

me: i want your honest opinion

friend: [gives honest opinion]

me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]

@bridger_w

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

@ericsshadow

It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.

@sarabellab123

*my obituary*

Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.

@lecalabara

Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

@Cheeseboy22

My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”

@ThugRaccoons

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*