Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree

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I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet


me: i want your honest opinion

friend: [gives honest opinion]

me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]


If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio


It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.


Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.


*my obituary*

Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.


Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.


My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”


*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*