Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
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*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Traveler’s camo
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Hamburger Hinderer.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog does and pee a little
What a chick magnet..
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*