Squirrels before girls.
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Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
A mustache is just mouth bangs.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
“How stressed are you?”
Me:
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick