Squirrels before girls.
You Might Also Like
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.