Squirrels before girls.
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How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
As per my last nervous breakdown
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”